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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24952354">Don't leave</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/idvko/pseuds/idvko'>idvko</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Fate/Zero</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Character Death, Death, M/M, Sadism, Sexual Frustration, Suicidal Thoughts, Violent Thoughts, also the character death is canonical but i tagged it just in case, nothing violent happens just thoughts of it, sex without feelings, takes place in the gap of time between f/z and f/sn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 09:13:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,162</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24952354</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/idvko/pseuds/idvko</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He wasn’t even sure what had brought him there in the first place — curiousity perhaps.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Emiya Kiritsugu/Kotomine Kirei</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>37</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Don't leave</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This was actually written about two years ago where i shortly got really back into fate/zero again. I had been just starting to get back into writing at that time, so I never posted it. But I found it on my drive and was like. Damn this is actually still quite good, so I figured I may as well post it.</p><p>Enjoy~</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Kirei first appeared at the door of the Emiya residence, it had been three years following the disaster in Fuyuki. He wasn’t even sure what had brought him there in the first place — curiousity perhaps. He had decided three years ago that Kiritsugu Emiya had turned out to be nothing but a disappointment, but there was still a part of him that was intrigued. A part of him that thought he might like to see what the Grail’s curse had done to him. </p><p>At first he had thought that he'd gotten the wrong address. A traditional Japanese home didn't seem to suit Kiritsugu, and when he knocked the door was answered by a vibrant young woman and a small red headed boy.</p><p>Kiritsugu was sleeping, they told him. He'd have to come back another time. He'd conceded then, leaving his name with them. He'd hoped to see the colour drain from Kiritsugu's face when it was uttered, but he would have to settle for his imagination for now. </p><p>The next time he stopped by was months later, because between taking over his father's church duties and routinely stopping by the Tohsaka residence to check in on his goddaughter, he was a busy man. Kiritsugu was the only one home.</p><p>Kirei felt as though the minutes were passing painfully slow after he’d knocked on the door, and when it finally slid open, he couldn't deny that he was shocked at the former magus killer's appearance. He had clearly lost weight, his cheekbones jutting out from his tired face and his robe hanging from his body. His hair had started to gray and he had deep cut-like creases in his face.</p><p>To Kirei's surprise, Kiritsugu smiled when he saw him.</p><p>"Kotomine," Kiritsugu had greeted with something like relief in his voice. </p><p>He had invited him inside and made him tea. He moved slowly, and Kirei watched with morbid fascination at how Kiritsugu's limbs trembled under the weight of the tea tray and how he seemed to lose his breath just from walking through the house.</p><p>He was dying, Kiritsugu had told him, as if it wasn't already perfectly obvious. To anyone else it was a mysterious incurable disease. To two men who had seen the confines of the Holy Grail, it was punishment. A slow and painful way to go. It suited him perfectly, Kirei had thought with a strange stirring in his chest. It suited him perfectly that he was meant to suffer in regret and guilt until his inevitable death. </p><p>He had wanted him then and there. He wanted to see that frail body shuddering underneath him, wanted to see his face contorted in pleasure and despair. He wanted it so badly that it frightened him.</p><p>He had left. He felt he had to, before he did something he would regret. He had touched himself that night, and felt dirtier with cum on his hands than he ever had with blood in its place. </p><p>Kirei stopped by more frequently, only weeks in between visits instead of months. The young boy Kirei had met on his first visit turned out to be Kiritsugu's adopted son Shirou, and he could see that the weakened man doted on him as though he were his own blood. Taiga was not related to them, but she was almost always around, helping with the housework and playing with Shirou. The Emiya house was surprisingly lively, and Kiritsugu always seemed to be smiling gently at his charge's antics. It wasn’t how Kirei had expected a cursed man to live.</p><p>On the fifth visit, it had been just the two of them again. They had been exchanging meaningless pleasantries and looking out into the yard when Kiritsugu suddenly leaned against Kirei’s shoulder, closing his eyes and staying there like that for several minutes. The silence was far from comfortable - Kirei could hardly concentrate on breathing, preoccupied as he was with whirling thoughts of whether this was meant to lower his guard. Despite the vulnerable gesture, he could still feel that the muscles in Kiritsugu's body were also tensed, ready for the slightest movement from his visitor. </p><p>At last he dropped his head a little to press his ear to Kirei’s chest, whispering, "You don't have a heartbeat."</p><p>"I don't know that I have a heart," Kirei had answered. </p><p>"So nothing has changed then," Kiritsugu had said with a weak chuckle that turned into a harsh, spluttering cough. It racked his frame and tears appeared in his eyes. Kirei felt that haziness fill his head again, even as the coughing subsided and Kiritsugu fought to regain his breath.</p><p>"I have to go," he said. He could feel it again, his body filling with a sickening heat at the sight of Kiritsugu's utter helplessness.</p><p>"Don't," Kiritsugu had said before wrapping his arms around the priest's neck and kissing him. </p><p>Kirei sat still, not daring to move. He could feel the fire inside him growing hotter by the second, threatening to consume his last bit of self-control. "You will regret doing that," he said in a soft shaky voice, struggling to keep it level.</p><p>"My life is nothing but regrets now." Kiritsugu said with a sad smile before leaning close to kiss him again. </p><p>So he'd stayed. Kiritsugu had started it, but Kirei had surely ended it, ripping the robes from Kiritsugu's body with feverish anticipation, sucking and biting at each inch of skin as it was exposed to him. By the time he'd made his way to Kiritsugu's stomach, the older man was shaking and sweating and moaning. The sound was even sweeter than Kirei had ever imagined.</p><p>Kiritsugu had come without being touched, clinging to the priest's body and whimpering incoherent apologies. Kirei had kissed him roughly and he had reciprocated with surprising ferocity, his nails digging into Kirei's shoulders. </p><p>On that visit to the Emiya residence, on a hot and humid summer afternoon, he made Kiritsugu come three times. Kiritsugu had changed into a new pair of boxers and was sitting out on the porch half naked, skin still slick with sweat, taking a drag from a cigarette. He offered it to Kirei, who refused.</p><p>Kirei would not find out until later that Kiritsugu had woke up wanting to die that day. </p><p>The two of them spun into a dangerous limbo, finding time when Taiga and Shirou were out of the house so that they could spend the summer afternoons together. Kiritsugu had once told Kirei in a drowsy daze that it was addicting waking up next to a man who wanted him dead. Kirei hadn’t responded then, but he found it just as exhilarating making love to a man who was destined to die. It was the first, but certainly not the last time that he thought Kiritsugu reminded him of Claudia. </p><p>Summer had turned to fall and fall to winter, to spring to summer again. Kirei's hair was growing longer and Kiritsugu's was turning greyer. It was starting to take the older man longer and longer to recover each time they had sex. He tired so quickly, his body seemed to give in too easily. On many occasions, they would give up and just sit on the porch to enjoy the afternoon sun. </p><p>On one such occasion, Kiritsugu took a long drag from a cigarette before saying suddenly, "I have a daughter, you know."</p><p>Of course he knew. </p><p>"I do."</p><p>"I want to see her." The fingers holding his cigarette were shaking. "Before I..."</p><p>He trailed off, and Kirei let the silence fall over them. He sipped his tea thoughtfully. </p><p>"I also have a daughter," he surprised himself by saying when he'd lowered the teacup from his lips. </p><p>"I know." Kiritsugu said levelly. "Do you ever want to see her?"</p><p>"It’s best that I don't." Kirei responded carefully.</p><p>Kiritsugu sighed, blowing out a white cloud of smoke. "I'll never understand that."</p><p>Kirei didn't respond. It still sometimes frustrated him that after all of this time, out of all of their similarities, there were still aspects of each other that they would never truly comprehend. Sometimes Kirei thought he hated him for it — for not knowing what his desires truly were, what his feelings truly meant. He supposed he couldn't be too angry though — the differences were part of what made Kiritsugu so entertaining. </p><p>"They would probably be close to the same age wouldn't they?" He mused before sighing heavily and closing his eyes. He looked serene - no coughs were ripping from his chest today and the creases on his forehead were smooth.</p><p>Kirei raised a hand to cup Kiritsugu's cheek and leaned in to kiss him. Kiritsugu's lips curled into a smile as he kissed back. </p><p>"You did that to shut me up, didn't you?" Kiritsugu asked in amusement when they separated. </p><p>"Yes," Kirei responded unapologetically. Kiritsugu chuckled quietly, dropping his cigarette into the ashtray and grabbing Kirei's collar to pull him close again. </p><p>Kirei's nose wrinkled and he frowned. "I never said I wanted more. You taste disgusting." </p><p>"You <i>look</i> disgusting," Kiritsugu responded, his hands migrating upwards to bury themselves in Kirei's shaggy hair. </p><p>They did kiss again, and they kissed until Kirei was choking poison through his lungs and Kiritsugu's lips were raw and bloody. </p><p>The approaching fall brought Kiritsugu a terrible weakness that made his body tremble and shake. His voice became raw and raspy from the coughing, and his bones started to jut out through his yellowing skin. He could hardly walk without assistance anymore and his eyesight was starting to fail. Seeing him in this state made Kirei's sexual frustration unbearable. His body was too weak for them to have sex when Kirei visited, although there were times where the priest would straddle him and jerk himself off onto his exposed body. Kiritsugu would laugh weakly when Kirei had finished.</p><p>"What's wrong with us?" He would say, and repeat it deliriously until Kirei silenced him with a fierce kiss. </p><p>They would fall asleep wrapped in each other's arms. Kiritsugu felt so frail and small against him and Kirei imagined how easy it would be to break him, to feel his bones snap under his fingers. He wondered if he cut away at his skin how much blood he could paint this house in. </p><p>Sometimes Kiritsugu would wake from a dream and seem to deflate upon waking, staring blankly at the ceiling as tears poured from his eyes. He had told Kirei once after one of these dreams that he wished he hadn't woken up. It wasn't uncommon to hear him say things of that nature anymore. </p><p>It was while Kirei was holding his sleeping form and thinking about these instances that he remembered Claudia again, and seemed to realize something with a sense of panic.</p><p>"Emiya," he whispered, lifting a finger to trace Kiritsugu's split lips. The smaller man groaned weakly and rolled over, burying his face into Kirei's neck.</p><p>"Let me kill you, Emiya." Kirei said seriously. </p><p>Kiritsugu snickered roughly in response. "You're not saying that for my benefit, are you?"</p><p>"No," Kirei admitted. </p><p>"It sounds important to you."</p><p>"It is."</p><p>He felt Kiritsugu frown against his skin. At last he gave a deep sigh.</p><p>"I have Shirou."</p><p>"I will look after him." Kirei said desperately. </p><p>Kiritsugu chuckled again. "I can't let you do that," he said. "Besides, you have the Tohsaka girl to look after."</p><p>They both knew that Kirei did not exactly look after Rin Tohsaka. </p><p>"Please," Kirei whispered, disgusted by the begging cadence in his own voice. </p><p>"We shall see," Kiritsugu said serenely before falling asleep again.</p><p>He had been infuriated, his fingers itching to close themselves around Kiritsugu's throat. The smaller man was pressed against him as though sleeping with a lover, yet Kirei's hands shook with the desire to take his life. He could easily summon his black keys into Kiritsugu's body. Watch him bleed out beneath him, watch him fight and struggle to breathe as blood filled his broken lungs. </p><p>But he didn't.</p><p>He didn't sleep that night, and when he left the next morning it was without a word of goodbye.</p><p>Kiritsugu died that winter. He'd died in his home in his sleep with his son beside him. Kirei was consumed with anger at the news, had left the church that day to walk off the rage settled in his chest. He felt the same as when Claudia and his father had died. Empty. Lost. Like an answer he’d been searching for had just slipped through his fingers. </p><p>When he stopped by the Emiya residence to pay his respects — as a representative of the church and nothing more — it had taken all of his self control not to send the shrine flying. The faint smile of the Kiritsugu displayed there among the flowers and incense seemed to be mocking him. He had managed to get the last laugh after all.</p><p>And Kirei decided that day that he had truly hated Kiritsugu Emiya all along.</p>
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